The Indian Corn Struggle Is Real

Life is pretty darn good at Ruby Branch Farms right now. It’s been raining, the sweet corn is growing, my garden is totally kicking booty, MyFarmer and I finally cracked the code on how to properly lay the landscape fabric for the mum pads (seriously – it’s an art), the Florida State softball team is moving on to Super Regionals (Go ‘Noles!), our mum plants will be here the second week of June, and Delilah is just as delightful as ever. Our quality of life scale is currently at a 9.  But there is just one thing that keeps us from getting to a 10.

2 words:  Indian.  Corn.  

It is obvious that the Native American’s had powers beyond whats here on Earth working with them when growing this crap. Our first attempt at planting was washed away by a 2 week monsoon. Re-planting corn one time is not unheard of. We even had to do it with some of our field corn this year. Eventually the ground dried out, Noah took his Ark to Oklahoma, and we were ready to re-plant our Indian corn. After much, ahem, “discussion” between MyFarmer and ScubaSteve, it was determined that the big planter could be used again to plant the Indian corn. I’m not going to say that Scuba was wrong, but like the great Laney/Scuba Milking Shorthorn debate of 2014, the proof of correctness was not in his favor. Long story short, attempt numero dos of Indian corn planting at Ruby Branch Farms was a flop. Luckily 97% of the seed never actually made its way out of the planter into the ground, so we didn’t have to buy more seed this time around.

Not to be deterred, MyFarmer went right back to battle, this time with a one row garden seeder. (Unfortunately I was out of town for the weekend, so I didn’t get to take part in this step. SHUCKS!) He spent at least a couple hours, probably more, pushing that seeder down the 140ft rows. Low and behold, a few days later, little green spikes of success starting popping up in rows. Eureka! Take THAT Indian corn Gods! We win!

Then came the birds. Alfred Hitchcock was on to something. Those feathered beasts are PURE EVIL. They pulled up all the little corn sprouts and ate the seeds right off. ARE YOU FOR REAL MOTHER NATURE?! #depressing

We are now waiting for the ground to dry up enough to replant Indian corn for our 4th, and according to MyFarmer, FINAL time. We’ve had various suggestions ranging from mass annihilation of the bird population to “Just have Laney stand out in the field and be the scarecrow, she’ll scare the crap out of them!” Thanks, LittleE, our wonderful farm hand, for that brilliant suggestion. At this point I’m not above going out to the field, finding my inner Cherokee and doing some kind of dance for the Indian corn Gods. My great-great-great-great-ish grandmother was a Cherokee, I’m sure I can drum up some of that spirit from somewhere. If nothing else, my violent arm and leg flailing (aka me “dancing”) will scare off the flying beaks of death for awhile.

Hopefully my sister will just let me borrow her outfit for my pow-wow so I don’t have to buy a new one. Circa 1987-ish

We knew this Ruby Branch Farms endeavor would be a lot of trial and error. Little did we know it would be trial and error… and error… and error. All I want to do is make adorable wreaths out of Indian Corn. Is that so much to ask? *crosses arms and stomps foot in exasperation*

Here’s to hoping for a few more successful trials and a few less errors!

With Love and Without Indian Corn,


P.S. If you have any suggestions on how to successfully get Indian corn to grow, please share your magic with us!


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